That Gay Feeling
It’s quite possible you are asking yourself this very question, at some point, so was I. Many times in the mist of getting to know ourselves and wanting to explore different realms of the world, experience different cultures, explore different phases of ourselves and experience things that we normally would be afraid to experience, we come to find ourselves changing how we think, how we respond to certain things and how we choose to live our lives (morals, values, beliefs, etc). I started assuming my mind was weird at a young age, when I started to realize everything that was attractive was found in a female, I didn’t understand it, I was scared to think this way around others, and I wasn’t really sure at the time how to manage these feelings/emotions/thoughts. Most of the time, we experience something and we either enjoy it or we don’t and if we do enjoy it, sometimes it can be scary because maybe we didn’t expect to enjoy such things — this is how my journey started. I found myself doing small things that I thought were of the “norm” in my head, that I enjoyed — playing the male figure in the game “house” with friends, choosing male counterparts when playing video games, or online characters, tomboy clothes, wanting to be/hang with the guys, etc. & this had NOTHING to do with wanting to be a boy and/or man, this was my way of attracting the females whom I was attracted to, to me.. because all I knew was girls like boys, and if maybe I carried myself such as one, it would mean they would like me too. This phase died soon, but then again, the next phase was on the opposite spectrum — > choosing to talk to guys, dates, hanging out, kissing, etc. because it was my way of seeing if maybe I was weird, if I really knew myself well enough to understand why I thought the way I did about women & to hide my affections towards women so others wouldn’t know or judge me for it. Not to mention, I was denial about it for a long time coming.
I knew when I was with men, I was doing it because of the attention, and not because of the attraction I felt. It was weird when a guy would show interest in me, I didn’t really get overly excited about it, many times it scared me because I knew I didn’t feel the same way for him. I’d play into it, but when things started to go in a direction where he would want to get serious, I’d brush it off with only wanting to be friends, practically teasing him with the idea that there would be a chance for “us” but knowing differently. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings or lead people astray but I was young and naive and didn’t always think of others before my own well-being. That was the problem, I was selfish enough to give a guy a chance to get close but would then shut him down when I felt things getting too serious or more sexual. I’d be a totally different person online when talking to females, I knew then, that my attraction towards females was a thing, because I realized how much more I felt about them and how excited it would make me to talk to someone pretty or someone who I had a crush on. I didn’t realize at the age of 18, I would find myself in a relationship with my first female companion, and would then have to share this information with my mom.
I think it’s quite possible we know all along that we enjoy the company of the same sex, but it comes down to how comfortable we are with letting others know, showing it, or playing on that thought. Even after dating my first girlfriend, I was still in denial about my sexuality and didn’t want anyone to find out. It was my little secret and I didn’t feel the need to make it known to the world — it was hard enough making it known to my mom. It took me many years before I decided to be more open about my sexuality and dating preferences — ripe age of 24 or so. I am now 26. Just then, when I started to be okay with myself and what I enjoyed, I learned that I wasn’t the only one, that I had minimal to fear and that I had to be myself if I wanted to find happiness with someone else. That’s the key to all of this, knowing your gay is scary, but once it sets in and you realize how much it matters to you to date, kiss, sexually share yourself with someone you are 100% attracted to, you find that the fear ceases slowly.
How does one know he/she is gay?
- The way you think (thoughts, dreams, fantasies)
- Your experiences with the same sex & how they made you feel
- Your level of attraction towards the same sex & opposite sex
- The way you carry yourself around the same sex when you are attracted to him or her
- Denial, how much you deny the fact their is a chance of you being gay
- fear of others knowing
- questioning your thoughts, actions, choices
- living a double life to cover up the life you want to live