One Does Not Mean The Other
It had occurred to me that many people equate being single with being lonely. I suppose the desire to be loved & to love another human is normal, but to say that because you aren’t in a relationship means you are lonely would mean that in order to feel less lonely, a person needs a relationship. I find during the holidays this is the attitude of people who find themselves not sharing their holidays in a relationship with someone — & the attitude of a person who doesn’t enjoy their own company. I can’t dismiss the fact that the feeling of loneliness can kill a man, even drive a man insane or drive someone to date someone who isn’t good for them in order to replace the feeling they feel when they aren’t dating someone. Loneliness is a real thing, in fact it is so real that the majority of people probably have felt this way at least once in their life (maybe it wasn’t extreme or perhaps you cause your own loneliness by pushing people away or choosing to never allow yourself to get close to another person). Regardless of the situation, loneliness is real but being single shouldn’t be the driving force of your loneliness, it shouldn’t hold as much weight as we allow it to & it shouldn’t hold you hostage mentally — being single sucks sometimes, yes, but to say we should depend on a relationship would be wrong because we need to be able to enjoy our own company or the company of others in different forms of relationships (family, friendships, coworkers, etc). Personally I believe loneliness happens when someone doesn’t have the social aspect in their life that they yearn for, they have a hard time connecting with others, perhaps they have social anxiety and it hinders them from enjoying the world around them — or maybe this person suffers from trauma that hinders them from wanting to grow close to someone or trust someone. I also believe loneliness stems from depression, and other mental health conditions that keep the mind in a dark place (dangerous) because I believe people who decide to commit suicide at one point felt alone — felt as though there was no escape from themselves or no escape from the problems that surrounded them, I believe that in fact they might of had family and friends but maybe the kind of loneliness they suffered from was from feeling as though they were stuck in a dark & lonely abyss and didn’t see the light in time because the darkness clouded their judgement OR maybe they knew better and knew what they had but didn’t want to pour their problems on someone else & the fear of being judged, misunderstood, or not quite understanding themselves enough to talk to someone else. When I said loneliness can kill a man, I meant it.
When people complain of being single, it is because they miss the courting of each other, they miss the value they felt within a relationship (feeling wanted, needed, loved, having something to talk about, fight for, buy for, travel with, knowing that someone means something to you) that feeling stems from a love that is different than the love you give a family member or friend. The affection and sexual intimacy of being with someone whom you love and are attracted to triumphs some of the feelings you get when you tell your friend you love them because you don’t get that same form of interaction from a friend as you would someone you are dating. Not to say your friendships are meaningless, they aren’t, but they differ from the type of closeness you have with someone you are dating. If being single is causing you to feel alone; maybe it is a sign of co-dependency or a sign that you need to learn to find ways to enjoy yourself; if you can’t enjoy your own company — why would someone else? Think about that for a second.
If you have a hard time being single because you don’t like the feeling of being in your own presence; that can be a problem (because you shouldn’t put the expectation on another human to be in your life to make you happy). If you spend quality time with yourself and find that you get bored, maybe it’s from lack of hobbies or lack of self development in areas you have weaknesses in (communication, charisma, etc) things that if developed better could help with engaging with people — that could lead to more friendships, relationships and connections. I’m not saying I am miss perfect, because I am far from it, but I had to learn this myself in order to share it with all of you — I have been single since July 7th of 2017 and while being single was a hard road to walk when I enjoyed being in the comfort of someone else that I was interested in and cared about, I had to learn through my dating challenges and having spent many days/nights alone that it was me hindering me from connecting with other people; I was setting expectations that I wanted and needed a relationship with someone to feel less lonely; I was putting off hanging with friends and family because I figured being alone and pitying myself was much better than being in the company of others, I stopped doing hobbies that I enjoyed & I was on dating sites desperately looking for someone to take the place of the person I dated in order to fill a void. Even now, some days are harder than others when it comes to dating, when it comes to being in my own company but I have found things that interest me to keep my mind focused on positive things rather than the break up and the dreadful need of having to date someone to feel good about myself.
It isn’t easy to be comfortable alone, especially if it seems like you have been single for a long time, but it is better to be comfortable with yourself than to be in a bad relationship being with someone else. I always tell myself and others — when it comes down to it, a relationship should always start with what do you like about yourself that you can offer to someone else?
Being single doesn’t mean someone is lonely. Never assume that because someone is single they aren’t happy being with themselves.
P.S sometimes loneliness can also be triggered from not feeling wanted by another individual or not having your needs met within a relationship.
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