Is Dating in the Lesbian community more difficult?

There is a saying that goes “lesbians have it hardest when it comes to the dating pool” & I would be bias by saying that I agree, because I honestly couldn’t tell you my experience with any other sexuality (not fully anyways) maybe with past experience I could skim the surface, eh. If I was to compare it to when I was 18 and started to date my first girlfriend — I’d say the dating pool hasn’t changed much but as I have grown older, it has gotten relatively more difficult (in my case) as far as dating goes. I can’t pinpoint the exact answer as to why this may be, but I can say that I do believe there are factors that contribute to my answer as to why I do believe it is harder in our community. 

For starters, I would just like to say that no matter your sexuality and how you choose to date, it can be difficult & be time consuming and sometimes very exhausting — especially if you have been through the ringer multiple times with different people (it can seem repetitive) and make dating a hassle. So while I am a lesbian blogger/writer, it doesn’t mean I don’t see from another perspective; with that being said, take a moment to read below what factors I believe make the dating pool harder as a lesbian. 

  1. Lesbians tend to be clique-ish. I say this firmly because anytime I am at a gay bar or at festivals, it is apparent that many lesbians feel more comfortable within in their group of friends & don’t extend themselves to meet others outside the circle in social gatherings
  2. The snobby I am better than you attitude — I mean this could just be females in general, but I find that our community has a large ego — which hinders people from wanting to talk to you because it’s not an attractive trait to carry around. CONFIDENCE is good, but oversized ego, is a no-go. 
  3. We tend to be superficial. I mean, I am a huge believer that we should have standards and hold to what is important to us when it comes to finding a partner; but many times we go after what looks good on the outside & fail to get to know the person on the inside. I am guilty of this myself; so I know it is true. 
  4. We date by labels .. This isn’t necessarily true for all lesbians, but many lesbians only date a certain label (femme, stud, soft butch, stem, etc) it’s like if that person doesn’t fit the label, we don’t look in their direction. I am also guilty of this. It doesn’t make it a bad thing, because we are attracted to what we like but it can make dating difficult if you aren’t open to other “labels”
  5. We don’t put a lot of effort into our online dating apps. Honestly, most people probably don’t but I find that people who take more time with their bios capture my attention more (because it comes off more serious like vs the ones who put “ask me” or nothing at all) 
  6. Long distance & lesbian don’t get along -I say this out of experience, but of course we have the few where distance isn’t made an issue BUT lesbians like that person to person contact (normally we have this need to be with our partners all the time or physically attached to them; and attention is a huge thing) — so when distance hinders those things, we throw in the towel OR we skip out on someone due to them living further away. This isn’t just a lesbian thing (Every group/sexuality) probably has felt this way. I try to not date anyone who is more than 4 hours away (because I think any further would be more difficult to make time to see them) but my relationships have ended due to distance because my partner didn’t like not seeing me regularly. 
  7. Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is a lesbian (LGBTQAI) Hell I am attracted to femme & athletic women and without taking a risk of asking or seeing them at LGBTQ events, I wouldn’t know if one was a lesbian or not. 

Hit or miss, I pretty much have named off the top 7 reasons that I believe to be true & again, doesn’t mean it just hinders lesbians in dating but it means as a lesbian myself, have found these issues while dating. The dating pool can be cruel, but if you try to look at it from the perspective I have listed above, it may relieve some of the stress or at least give you an idea of where you stand in the dating world as a lesbian– maybe you are one of the numbers mentioned above?


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Thanks for reading! 

2 thoughts on “Is Dating in the Lesbian community more difficult?

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