First time seeing my ex since our break up last year

I felt weird inside, I was trembling with fear, anxiety, pain and discomfort from the sight of HER. Her, meaning, my ex. It didn’t take long for me to take notice that she was involved with someone new, someone that wasn’t me. The worst part is this someone she was involved with was her very first girlfriend — the girl she dated before I came into her life. At first it didn’t seem right, why would she go back to someone whom treated her like shit in the first place? whom she spoke very ill about and had no intentions of being with again? whom supposedly made her into a monster during their relationship; what would make someone go through torment again — was it the desperation of wanting to find love?

It only made me laugh a little bit because when we broke up, she was with someone else — not the ex, but someone brand new; this same person spoke ill of me on social media– MY SOCIAL MEDIA.. & brought drama to my life in order to feel as though she was better than because she was with someone whom I wanted back at the time. I guess karma gets people where it hurts when they choose to hurt others with their arrogance & lack of respect. All I have to say is, thank you for serving her the same venom she spat in my face. 

 

As for my ex, I guess she went back to her roots and decided that it was better to go backwards then to move forward again with someone new. I don’t know what was worse, seeing her with someone she dated previous to me, or realizing that every ounce of hope I had that she would eventually trinkle back into my life — was gone, completely gone. It’s on rare occasions that circumstances can leave me speechless, but I was speechless. It wasn’t like we ended on good terms, so to speak to her would have been a dream come true but what could one say? All, I had in me to say was “I loved you, but I hate you so much for how you treated me, how you left me in shambles, how it was so easy for you to walk out of my life and how fast you moved on— because I was holding onto you in hopes we could start again because what we had was real and I didn’t know how to move on” It was going from sleeping next you most nights to sleeping alone dreaming of you.. & darkness didn’t help, it made the images of you more clear BUT none of this, I said to her. I was too scared to confront her face to face in part because I wasn’t ready to endure backlash & because I didn’t want it to be during a time that I was in the company of someone else. Just when you think you are strong enough to manage, you tense up and lose sight & fall on your face.

 

I regret not saying anything to her, and I assume she seen me, but like her, I was avoiding our eyes meeting; the awkwardness it would create & the memories it would bring. I suppose God put us in the same place at the same time to give opportunity if we wished to take it – neither one of us did. I only wonder if there will be another chance, another event that brings us to the same place, another moment that allows me to know she is okay, & if time will make it easier for us to one day talk.. because I’d like that. Seeing my ex for the first time in a year since our break up, was difficult, I wasn’t prepared for how it would effect me & I don’t think there is a way to prepare for something you’re not expecting. I loved her at one point, I have since moved on with my life, but no matter how far along I go in life, I don’t want to forget her because she was someone I gave part of me to, and I don’t want to lose that part of me.. just because I lost her. 

 

Shay-lon 

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