Your first girlfriend

Your first kiss, your first butterfly from having a crush, your first experience with love and your first experience with heartbreak, and don’t forget your first girlfriend/boyfriend. So many first times, and many of which you will have happen more than once — if you are lucky, the person you end up with for the first time will end up being your last time searching for someone. 

The premise of this post is to talk about that particular first time you dated a girl — not knowing what to expect or what to do, or who to tell if anyone & realizing that she might be your first sexual experience, your first step into possibly coming out the closet and even more than that, she might be the first person to tell you she loves you that isn’t family nor friend. Eventually I will share my FIRST TIME story with all of you because as always, I like to unwind and give people my own inside story. To begin with, let’s just think about who our first girlfriend was (if your first gf is the one you are currently with, CONGRATS) but if you and your first didn’t work but you still hold the memories then you know exactly what I mean when I tell you, a first can open up many doors – good & bad. 

 

Having a girlfriend for the first time is scary, let’s face it.. the very first time you both admit that you like each other more than friends or when one of you awkwardly ask the other “do you like me more than a friend” your stomach is in shambles and you lose all senses due to vulnerability & being unsure of yourself — hoping that when you date this person it will all start to make sense BUT it doesn’t always make sense in the beginning because you have to still learn about this person you are interested in and you have to still find your level of comfort with being with the same sex because that doesn’t always come easy; it didn’t for me for a  LONG TIME (we shall get to that later on in the post). Once you both break the ice and start to smile at the thought of being together, that is exactly how you spend your every waking moment; being with this person. When you are younger, you have nothing better to do with your life, so why not spend it having fun with someone who gives you a reason to smile but if you are older venturing into dating your first female companion, then things could be different due to responsibilities (sadly, when we reach a certain age, we have to “adult”) LOL but on a serious note, you will spend time with this person but it won’t be the same way as if you were 14 — unless you both are retired and want to redo your childhood — then by all means disregard this message. 

Many of us go through different stages of meeting our first girlfriends, most of us probably knew at a young age and had our experience at a young age, and others might have been too afraid to act on it until later on in life BUT regardless of the situation, she is your first time & this is going to be one of the more important events in your life. I want you to consider the things listed below when you meet that person who becomes your first love bug: 

 
  1. Sex doesn’t have to be right away — ease into the moment & talk about it beforehand (everyone has boundaries and a comfort level they need respected)
  2. PDA doesn’t have to happen in order to be with someone, sometimes PDA can hurt a relationship if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their sexuality. Again something to consider. 
  3. Friends first is important. Nothing has to change between the both of you just because you decide to date, besides the “title”, but in all realness, our gf should be our best friend first — someone we were comfortable with before dating, someone that meant a lot to us before the dating, someone who understood you before you dated, someone who you came to for advice and comfort before dating. Although if you were using a dating app and met someone then this could be a different perspective because maybe in your case, it took a couple of good dates before you made that decision to date — same with being introduced by a mutual friend. Either way I do think friendship is important for a relationship
  4. Being nervous around her is not a bad thing, it will happen due to the fact you like her. 
  5. Talking about the future with her isn’t weird, it’s your way of trying to see where her thoughts lie with you
  6. Being protective of her might start to show & you might feel obligated to be her ‘help’ but do know  as good as it sounds to be hero, sometimes it can be overbearing if she doesn’t understand or make her feel uncomfortable 
  7. Be yourself. Showing off or trying to fit in doesn’t guarantee you success in your relationship
  8. With love can be pain — don’t be negative about dating but don’t lose hope if things fall apart because sometimes people make paths in our heart to give us different routes to take for next time
  9. In meeting her parents — don’t push the request of calling her gf because whose to say her parents aren’t against same sex relationships; we have to be respectful of her family to a certain extent & more so if that is her living circumstances and the people who afford her finances. Talk to her about this, but don’t get offended right away. 
  10. Last but not least, get to know her for her, don’t pass judgement because of who she has dated in the past or because she isn’t out of the closet, don’t hold high expectations of her and get upset if she doesn’t exceed them. 

I wish I had been more like the above list when I started dating my first girlfriend. I was 18 when I started dating a female for the FIRST time, we met through Facebook through a mutual friend’s post at the time. We both made commentary on the post and ended up having a solid conversation on the same post due to some similar thoughts. At the time I was in denial of my sexuality but eager to be with a female because I knew I was attracted to them but no one else did and I wasn’t confident with myself enough to make it known. Somehow we ended up exchanging phone numbers & from then on, we would talk and eventually share some risky photos that I was too naive to think twice about sharing and same with her. She was 18 or 19 at the time, in the same state but lived about a hour and some odd minutes away and went to a different school. Neither one of us had dated a female prior to our relationship, she had always been with men and I was talking to guys (but never really interested in anything past friendship). We both lived with our parents at the time, and my mom always played “private investigator” to anyone I met; so if I wanted to invite her over, I had to explain how I knew her, who she was, etc. In other words, it wasn’t happening especially since I didn’t really know her. Eventually I did sit my mom down and told her I was dating a girl — which went alright – not horrible but not the best experience. She basically supports me 100 percent now and always has since that day. Thankful for that. 

Our first official date was at the movie theater, I know we met at the nearby store and she decided to ride with me to the theater, I remember the awkwardness when we first met in person that night. I had no idea how to be a girlfriend & to be honest I don’t think she did either. When we arrived at the movie theater, we were a little early — so decided to stay in the car and talk for a while; during that moment I made the biggest move of my life . In trying to be charming I moved to the backseat in hopes she would follow (she did) and then idk who went for who first but we kissed and from kissing we unclothed one another and from there, we were making love. She was my first sexual experience that night — I suppose it was good, we didn’t comment on it afterwards but the movie sucked. There were a few nights we met up again after that date – one being with some friends I had at the time; we all went bowling. The last and final time I would see her would be the night I invited her over to my house and she shown up but left after a few minutes to tag along with friends at a club she wanted to attend. I couldn’t make it to the club due to babysitting my youngest brother and I think me not being able to make it played a part in her reasoning for never talking to me again. I learned fairly quickly that good things can have bad endings, the “break up” bothered me for sometime but because we were on and off again for awhile— I knew it was destined to happen at some point but didn’t realize it would happen for good this time. I never did get answers as to why she dumped me, hell, she didn’t dump me properly either. That next morning I tried texting her and would get no answer so then tried to call her later in the afternoon and she had changed her number. I assumed that was her way of dumping me. We did try to reconnect years later, but it went nowhere fast and I decided it was just best to let go of the past and move on with my life. I was better off without her. 

 

So as you see, the relationship was young, new and wild with fun and excitement in the beginning but it didn’t have the glue to hold us together and didn’t have a foundation to build on, it was all just made from being superficial. Because of this relationship I was able to come out to my mom about my sexuality, and I was able to feel more comfortable about dating other women if the opportunity arrived again; at the same time I was developing low self esteem from being dumped, and still in denial about my sexuality due to fear of being judged my others. Life had a way of teaching me lessons. 

All in all, my experience paved way for my future relationships. Your first girlfriend will be a fun, new, thrilling experience. Nothing will beat the butterflies in your stomach or the smile you have whenever you see her, but not all first girlfriends offer us what we need in order to prosper; a happy beginning doesn’t promise a happy ending. 

 

Shay-lon 

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