It’s not fun pretending to be happy
Woman to woman, you and I both know we tend to have emotional days, where we want to be clinging, or “extra” and that sometimes us women need someone to reassure us, or make us feel like things might be okay, and if not okay, then to comfort our emotions — but not everyone handles our emotional days well and being a lesbian doesn’t guarantee that because we are dating another woman that she will want to be the person to deal with our emotions.
Nothing about a relationship is easy, but it sure the hell doesn’t make it any easier when you don’t feel like your partner is being understanding or even attempting to understand you. It’s almost like they are watching you fall apart and doing nothing to help mend your heart, nothing to help comfort you, & watching you hit rock bottom to only leave you there alone and then throw the deuces sign in your face when they feel they have had enough & “can’t handle it anymore”. It’s not fair when you might have days that aren’t always “good” and instead of someone being there to listen without passing harsh judgement or shame, they ignore it or give you the awkward silence or try to “one up” you with their bad day and make yours not so relevant anymore — even worse than that, some will even go as far to say ” what do you want me to do about it?” like, idk, maybe instead of being a sarcastic asshole, how about you listen to me and not pretend like you care for 5 seconds to only complain about it 5 minutes later. Truth is, I have been in this situation, once before. Shit, I am sure someone else has too, and if I am right, then maybe this post is for you 🙂
However, if you are the spouse/partner who is ignoring him/or her feelings and not giving a shit, maybe you should read this post too, because I want to save your relationship and perhaps change your perspective so that maybe you can grow from your past mistakes and do a better job of being supportive of other people’s feelings/emotions.
&& for all of you go lucky, never get sad or angry your whole life — stop! stop pretending because nobody goes through life perfectly without any pitfalls, and if your way of acting like they don’t happen is by masking your unhappiness, you aren’t helping yourself nor the person you want to be with. Cut the crap and read this post too, to save yourself from having to explode when you have finally reached your limit and can’t bottle shit in anymore.
Now that I have hit everyone, because someone fits these categories, time to make haste to a solution – but before I do, I always start with my own experience and life lessons. For the sake of this post, it might be long, but it will be worth the read. Trust me. My previous relationship was what I described up at the very top where I was the one with the emotional behavior and she was the one who didn’t want anything to do with it, she wanted to act like it didn’t exist and move on, she wanted to pretend that nothing was going on, but it was, and for the life of me, she didn’t EVER EVER EVER try to ask or comfort me, it was only ridicule and judgement – made me feel like I was the insane person with the issues and she was the sane one with little to no problems in her life. First off, I don’t come with a whole lot of baggage (so don’t assume) — but at the time I was financially struggling and it was stressing me out and causing anxiety, I was also trying to commit myself to my studies for my CPT exam but having difficulties because I couldn’t focus, not to mention, every once in awhile I was in either arguing with my mom or falling short in other parts in my life, I just felt like I was going nowhere and I hated it, I pretty much felt insecure about my future, about myself and about my relationship. There were times when I needed her assurance that we were okay, that she was happy being with me, because I was always afraid to mess up in front of her or fall short in something & that it would upset her. I tried telling her about the debt I was in, but that only made things worse because she would belittle my situation and make me feel like “if I didn’t get rid of the debt soon, the relationship would never work out” and I felt so much pressure; it was ongoing. I did speak up about the fights me and my mom would get in, but she would make it seem like I just needed to get over it & it was no big deal. Sometimes I would cry or just panic because I didn’t know what to do at times, I felt lost — and she HATED WHEN I CRIED OR SHOWED EMOTION of any sorts outside of happiness. It bothered her greatly.
So instead of showing emotion, I would pretend things were okay and if I happened to by accident show frustration or sadness, I would quickly apologize to her and start to panic because I knew she would be angry with me, and it made me have mental breakdowns, and those, well when I had my first mental breakdown in front of her, she basically ran from me.. and said horrible things..things I won’t repeat. One mental breakdown and couple of weeks later, she would bring it up in a joke or find memes to describe my mental breakdown thinking it was funny and calling me “crazy” BUT I wasn’t crazy, I was just really depressed. I thought by getting a second job (in which I still work at and love) it would help with my finances (which it did) but it annoyed her because it meant she had to work around my new schedule and she didn’t like it. For once, I thought I was doing good, but in her eyes, I was taking another step backwards and I didn’t know how to fix things. I tried talking to her, but she didn’t like talking about stuff that had to do with sharing our thoughts or venting UNLESS it was her venting — then it was okay. I dealt with this for awhile because I loved her, and didn’t want to see us end. It wasn’t my choosing to end us, and when she broke up with me, I lost a sense of wanting to live, I lost myself in frustration and anger and pain because all this time I thought I was saving us but really, I must have been sinking this relationship because every choice I made to benefit me so that I could better myself, was pushing her away and I hated her for it, because I was trying and she didn’t even care.
Basically my relationship was supposed to be emotionless unless we were happy souls & pretending to be happy got really old fast because I was falling apart inside and she seen it in person and wanted nothing to do with it. It wasn’t too long ago when I used to not ever speak my mind, I would allow things to be bottled in and it hurt my relationships but now after trying to be open and show emotion , it also hurt my relationship — what’s a girl to do? I will tell you, she is too continue to show emotion and be happy, sad, mad or whatever she is feeling because we have that right & if someone chooses to neglect your feelings, then SCREW THEM, because you shouldn’t be made to feel like you aren’t relevant & that anything you feel or going through is stupid, it’s not stupid and you aren’t crazy or insane because anxiety, depression and feeling overwhelmed is a REAL thing & to feel like you are less than because of your feeling IS BULLCRAP.
If you are dating someone who doesn’t take the time to understand you before throwing judgement at you, maybe you need to rethink that relationship because maybe for now, it isn’t a big deal but overtime it will start to add to your problems. If you are someone who is made to feel like you can’t show emotion because your partner gets upset at your slightest sign of tears or frustration, maybe it is time to rethink that relationship because maybe now it isn’t a big deal but in the long term, it will weigh you down and you will feel numb and numb doesn’t mean it will go away, it just means you will go through the motions of a controlling relationship & will miss out on happiness. If you are the person who is playing judge & juror over someone’s emotions and feelings THEN maybe you need to rethink your actions because if you want someone to support your good and bad days, they deserve the same & if you want someone to control THEN take control of yourself and work on being a better person. If you are the one who mask your unhappiness to keep everyone thinking you are this happy person all the time, THEN, you need to stop the ploy before it takes over your life and you end up exploding on the wrong person or hurting yourself due to your pride.
Now I realize there are disorders that can hinder someone from feeling any type of emotion and that is something we also should consider if we date someone — because if you can’t talk about this with your partner, then how can we know? if you have this disorder, it should be made priority to tell the person you are dating because otherwise hiding it will only make things worse in the long run.
The moral of this post is, people have the right to feel how they feel & you can’t dictate someone else’s feelings. Either seek to understand or don’t but if you don’t then don’t expect them to give a crap about yours — because what makes your emotions anymore important than the person your with.