You “Fight” with her, Do you “Fight” for her?

Apparently couples do a swell job of fighting and arguing with one another, but most of them fail at fighting for each other — just from what I have observed in relationships (of course there is a time and place to be a “superhero”).

Funny thought, a superhero, someone who saves someone, but in this case, it isn’t about “saving your spouse”; it is about being their rock when they are pushed against a wall and their fight is becoming harder — they are on the brink of giving up/taking the beating because they are restless. We are all adults, we have had our fights and battles with people — but this isn’t just about people; this is our battle with our minds as well. Have you forgotten that your partner might be in need of reassurance, might be in need of someone to vent to, might be in need of someone to help them cope, might be in need of someone to listen to them– without passing judgement & might be in need for you to make a sacrifice that isn’t easy (e.g taking time off work, relocating, couple’s therapy, trying to be the bigger person during family events, taking interest in their hobbies even when you might not be a fan of them.. etc) these are sacrifices many couples fail to make — which makes arguments and fighting abundant and fighting for them less frequent

 

I am not a professional of love, but someone who has been relationships like yourself where they plummeted and could have been saved if someone in the relationship was selfless and more forgiving and didn’t see your battle cry as a negative but as a way to communicate feelings. I think the problem with people is we tend to think of our own battles with life; that we forget that our partners have theirs and because we are fighting our battles (or ignoring) we don’t want to take on another person’s problems (that makes things harder, so we say) — but the deeper issue is we compare our problems with our partners and assume our trials are much harder; we assume that because we are having a bad day, our bad day triumphs our partner’s bad day. It’s a game of who has it worse off, a game that can’t be won but always ends in fighting and hurt feelings. With that being said, I am going to help you, my answers won’t be straight forward ——— however, they will give you perspective and maybe change your mindset going forward in your relationship. Who knows. I hope it does something for you.

 

My biggest learning experience with my last relationship was “I put too much on her too fast” and expected her to understand — when in fact I didn’t really understand my own battle 100%. The problem this caused was misunderstanding, judgement and harsh words; she was angry because she didn’t know how to help me and thought she was better off running away from me because my problems scared her, my reactions, my character flaws scared her; made her think that maybe I wasn’t the person I portrayed in the beginning. It was like I was wearing a mask and she didn’t see me, she seen my mask, which was ugly. My mask covered up my beauty in order to protect me from vulnerability within the relationship. I thought my mask was helpful because it was defending me, but I didn’t realize with it on, I was hurting the person I was dating ( I was only looking out for myself ..) and pretending to be okay (but she knew better). Besides my own issues, she had her issues within the relationship too, but her mask wasn’t scary; it was mysterious, it hid many faces to her and hindered her from showing emotion — for whatever reason, she never wanted me to know her truths. The truths that she kept inside, were the truths that broke us up, because she wasn’t ready for a relationship but she fooled herself into thinking she was and in the end hurt the person she promised she wouldn’t dare hurt — that was me. I told you this story because this was our “fight”; we each had fights of our own that neither one of us was aware of, we used mask to cover our truths in hopes it would pass and get better BUT it didn’t get better; our fighting and misunderstandings got worse. 

 

If we were more open about our battles with one another, it wouldn’t have been a fight towards each other, I believe it would have been us helping each other cope, helping each other manage our emotions better and giving each other understanding instead of judging. I can’t say for sure if she would have hopped on board, but I know without a doubt; if she would have been more verbal about her thoughts and communicated her feelings; I would have been more supportive and more focused on us than I was on me. If I would have stopped assuming the worse, I would have been a bigger person and expressed my emotions with her in hopes she would have been fighting in my corner instead of running away from me — maybe our battles would have been triumphs if each of us weren’t afraid to be vulnerable. 

 

When you fight with your partner, count how many times you have stood in their corner when they needed you most; has it been more or less times than arguing with them? When someone is making their lives a living hell at work, were you the one telling them to ignore it and move on, or were you the one to tell your partner that if things continue to progress you would step in if need be. When they exposed that they might have depression and anxiety, were you the one judge them, or were you the one to tell them if they want to seek help — for the better of the relationship that you would be behind them every step of the way. When they lost a loved one, were you the one to make things awkward with few words, or were you the one to hug them & tell them you love them, reassure them they are allowed to be sad — that if you had to step you; you would without question. When your partner loses their job, were you the one to get angry and stress out or were you the one to tell them that you would help them look for a new career, and put in the amount of hours needed until they got back on their feet again. Which one of these people are you?

 

If you want a reason to fight, you have one everyday — because when their back is against the wall and they have little strength left; they NEED you more than ever, not to play “superhero” but to be the reason they don’t give up on themselves or give up on your relationship — that’s your fight everyday; fighting to keep your relationship from sinking by being the best person you can be with the one you love. 

 

Thanks for reading, I hope all of you enjoyed it! please feel free to like, comment and follow.

 

Shay-lon

 

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