Are you practicing safe sex?

I know as a female it sounds funny when someone ask if you practice safe sex while engaging with the same sex — but honestly if you haven’t done your research, it is true, lesbians can get STDs too. 

Not going to make this post all lecturing but I do want to make sure women know that sex is sex regardless of who you have it with and what your sexual preferences are, you should always be aware of your partners sexual history and want to know if they have been tested and vice versa (get tested yourself) sometimes diseases don’t show signs right away. In this day and time — we are all about hopping the sheets with someone & if that is the choice you are making as an adult, then at least be smart about it before doing so. Now, I can’t say I have been tested, but I do know I should be (I will be soon, even though I don’t have a list of partners and I am  not currently partaking in sexual activities — I still want to be able to show proof that I am clean) because I want to be safe & IF I do have something, I would rather know now than to wait til it gets worse with time. Many lesbians don’t practice safe sex, hell, I have been one who didn’t always practice it either, but with the research that stands behind how easily it is to take chances and end up sickly or worse having to take medication for the rest of your life — I definitely don’t want to be that percentage of people who knew better but ignored my responsibility as an adult in getting tested and practicing safe sex. 

Going forward, I think it is safe to say that nobody is invisible to a STD, it doesn’t discriminate and while we might not have a significantly high chance in catching a STD, don’t be ignorant and think it doesn’t happen to lesbians — because it does with and without your knowledge. If you want to have multiple partners or take part in sexual activities – be aware, be smart and be responsible. Nothing wrong with sex, just do your research and be more informed on the topic of sex & sexually transmitted diseases. 
https://giphy.com/embed/pcJp7IQpelYinEgOLn

via GIPHY

 

P.S if you don’t know the tools to use to keep yourself safe, make sure to do some research, just to name a couple: condoms, & dental dams (and this post goes for gay men as well) 

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Have a good soul but looks aren’t beside me

What Is Attractive To Me — Might Not Be Your Cup Of Tea

Based on who I am and my lifestyle, most women would assume my type would be someone who works out as often as I do and probably eats really healthy & is petite in stature – which is bogus because my standards aren’t this little to begin with & the majority of the world who fits this combination is a small percentage of Americans, which means I would be missing out on some great people if I shut myself off from others. As a matter of fact my type ranges these days but I have my preferences & I don’t think they hinder me when it comes to dating but it intimidates others who are interested in me because they feel as though I am trying to refrain from anything that doesn’t check off in my box of what I look for. I’m sorry I have preferences and that what I am attracted to keeps my interest but don’t assume due to my checklist that I don’t ever venture outside my “norm” because I have and it is possible I could if I find that I have a deep rooted connection with someone. 

First off, let me get off my chest what I find attractive in a woman, I mean most of you probably would like to know how strict my list really gets, right? Warning: I can be quite superficial when it comes to looks but who isn’t when they judge people based on appearance — this is why I tell people both physical and personality traits because in my world, you need both in order to mesh well with me. — although my ex had a beautiful appearance and it covered up any flaws her personality had because I was pretty much in love with what I seen vs what I knew of her & sometimes looks can make us blind to the red flags. #Truth I’d be lying if I said “I didn’t date someone based on looks” because I have & while it didn’t get me very far in the relationship — it did make the honeymoon phase fun! lol 

My type:

  • Typically brunettes have my heart — I think Ally Hills made this my go-to (I fangirl over her) Although I believe @kelskiel is a beautiful blonde, so if a woman looked like that — umm yeah you would be my type for sure. (she is a crossfit athlete) ❤ 
  • Longer hair, something about hair just is attractive when it is longer in length (not excessively) but something between a Lauren Jauregui & once again Ally Hills (seriously, I have a mad crush on her) but besides that, I think shorter length hair is cute too if it isn’t the pixie cut or something shorter than shoulder length (pending the person)
  • Feminine in how she carries herself, but I don’t mind a tomboy — or sporty athletic lesbian .. like whatever floats her boat but when it comes to butch /stud lesbians it wouldn’t work because I am more dominate in my demeanor and to be recessive is not a comfortable place for me when it is 9/10 times the part to be played. Not saying butch or stud women are not feminine or “womanly” — they are ALL woman, no questions asked and I respect that but when having a butch interested in me, she always hopes that I would be the recessive one & to be honest I can be recessive but I don’t always like playing that part — and normally that is expected of me — not to mention I am not particularly attracted to butch or studly women. P.S I am NOT a stud or butch lesbian myself but that’s a conversation for another time. ❤
  • loves exploring — adventure– travel; seriously, so many people these days just want to netflix and chill (nothing wrong with that) I love movies too but damn, I need someone who likes to create memories outside the home as well, visit new places. Having to date a purely homebody who doesn’t like the outside, would be slight chance it wouldn’t work out because I love being out and about 🙂
  • Athletic would be preference — especially if she is defined nicely like @kelskiel but doesn’t break the bank if she isn’t athletic — like I realize I lift and go to the gym and powerlift and also am a personal trainer (so basically fitness/health is my life & passion) but doesn’t have to be the other person’s; although it would mean a whole lot if they were supportive of my choice to be healthy, fit individual working in this field & if they were to want to explore this side — not saying they need to be at the gym like me, but it would help if they had some form of interest in wanting to workout but again, if it isn’t there thing, I’d expect they at least took care of themselves enough to care about their well-being. 
  • I am very sarcastic and goofy — so when it comes to enjoying humor, they would have to be okay with dating someone who is both of these things. We can have serious conversations but I like having fun as well — so this person couldn’t object my need for being myself. 
  • Good hygiene- I mean seriously, how you carry yourself and take care of yourself tells me everything I need to know about what you think of yourself. 
  • my height or a little shorter is preferable but I mean if she is a little taller than 5’8. that’s fine but I don’t picture myself dating someone above 6 foot unless she is in heels.
  • Self confidence is sexy to me, so if she is confident with herself, I find that awesome! definitely a necessity because I believe those with higher self esteem and self confidence can bring out the best in people sometimes vs someone with low self esteem and lack of confidence who constantly need stroking in order to feel good about themselves. I have dated both & while I don’t mind people with low self esteem in a sense that I want to make them feel loved and worthy but it can be draining when they allow their lack of self worth to turn them into jealous or malicious individuals. However, I don’t need someone who thinks highly of herself to the point where she treats others inferior to herself or is vain. A happy medium is nice. Confidence not arrogance. 
  • Someone who is themselves around me, I don’t need someone to portray a character in order to keep my attention, be yourself from day one is all I ask because surprising me with bullshit isn’t going to keep me around. If you suffer with mental health conditions or a health condition or have kinks, etc tell me upfront , why wait and then when things get serious you show this side of you and expect me to adapt.. like no, let’s be real with each other from the get go. It is up to both parties if they wish to take things to the next level after exposing this information, but don’t lie to me or be a fake person in order to get with me. 
  • Drug free — I mean if you smoke weed, I won’t judge you, it’s weed not coke but I would prefer if she didn’t just because I don’t smoke weed or anything else so for me, drugs aren’t appealing — while if she smokes one cig a week and maybe puffs weed every once in a while and it doesn’t hinder her life — I won’t throw a fit about it, but if you hang out in the basement of your parents smoking weed everyday and have no goals or aspirations or if you get high off pain meds, etc then we won’t work out for sure. There has to be a happy medium, I won’t tell you to quit smoking weed unless that becomes your newfound hobby because there is more to life than getting high all the time. Weed won’t decrease your chances with me, but it won’t higher your chances either, pending on the situation, I don’t usually mind it but any other drugs, nah bro, I can’t get down with. Just know, I am not getting high with you regardless of your drug choice so, don’t even ask or expect it. 
  • Career oriented/educated individual — I mean seriously, if you don’t have a job or have some form of education, it won’t do. I need someone who works and want to have a successful career and home life but also is educated enough to have intelligent conversations– teach me something new, have a passion, do something worthwhile with your life — don’t be a bum, jobless, lack of interest in anything that means bettering yourself. I don’t need someone with a college degree necessarily but someone with meaning to their life is important to me
  • Has a interest in wanting to get to know my family —  &vice versa. My family is important to me & I love being able to introduce them to people I am dating or have a interest in dating, I realize not everyone has close relationships with their family members & that;s totally okay with me BUT don’t expect that I stray from mine because you aren’t close to yours. Like I wouldn’t keep you from your family, so don’t do it to me or expect it out of me. I left the nest years ago but I still talk to my family and visit & my youngest brother and me are super close so if that bothers the person, it wouldn’t work out. 
  • I don’t have sex with people whom I wouldn’t date, so in this world where everyone enjoys having fun engaging sexually with other humans, I love sex but not enough to give my body to anybody just to get laid for the night. Sex is important to me in a relationship, I need and enjoy that kind of chemistry — especially when I am feeling most vulnerable, it makes me feel good inside sharing myself with someone who means a lot to me, so good sexually chemistry is a must.
  • Causcasion women – personally I like dating outside of my own race, always have, just always intrigued me and so that is what I tend to go for when looking to date someone. I guess the fact that many years ago it wasn’t allowed & now having the right to do so, makes me happy. 
So in the main scheme of things, my standards aren’t really all that high, but my needs are and that’s because I have settled with less than I deserved and it didn’t fit me well, it ended before it began and wasted time I could have been spending with someone who is a better fit for me. I think having a type is a choice — some choose to date freely with no limits or list and others choose to date using a mental checklist of wants/needs & neither party is wrong for doing what they choose because you know what you want and if you don’t then taking the time to figure it out is very important before hopping into something serious. The expectations anymore is we date someone formally by looks only — Tinder, bumble based on liking someone based on pictures but with minimal information in their bios. I definitely need to be attracted to the person physically but I am learning & have learned from my past that looks don’t hold a person’s worth & so I want to also find someone with a good soul and genuine personality that enhances my happiness & vice versa. I believe that we can’t set higher expectations than we are willing to give ourselves. ❤
 
Shay-lon Moss

How Do You Know If You Are Gay?

That Gay Feeling 

It’s quite possible you are asking yourself this very question, at some point, so was I. Many times in the mist of getting to know ourselves and wanting to explore different realms of the world, experience different cultures, explore different phases of ourselves and experience things that we normally would be afraid to experience, we come to find ourselves changing how we think, how we respond to certain things and how we choose to live our lives (morals, values, beliefs, etc). I started assuming my mind was weird at a young age, when I started to realize everything that was attractive was found in a female, I didn’t understand it, I was scared to think this way around others, and I wasn’t really sure at the time how to manage these feelings/emotions/thoughts. Most of the time, we experience something and we either enjoy it or we don’t and if we do enjoy it, sometimes it can be scary because maybe we didn’t expect to enjoy such things — this is how my journey started. I found myself doing small things that I thought were of the “norm” in my head, that I enjoyed — playing the male figure in the game “house” with friends, choosing male counterparts when playing video games, or online characters, tomboy clothes, wanting to be/hang with the guys, etc. & this had NOTHING to do with wanting to be a boy and/or man, this was my way of attracting the females whom I was attracted to, to me.. because all I knew was girls like boys, and if maybe I carried myself such as one, it would mean they would like me too. This phase died soon, but then again, the next phase was on the opposite spectrum — > choosing to talk to guys, dates, hanging out, kissing, etc. because it was my way of seeing if maybe I was weird, if I really knew myself well enough to understand why I thought the way I did about women & to hide my affections towards women so others wouldn’t know or judge me for it. Not to mention, I was denial about it for a long time coming. 

I knew when I was with men, I was doing it because of the attention, and not because of the attraction I felt. It was weird when a guy would show interest in me, I didn’t really get overly excited about it, many times it scared me because I knew I didn’t feel the same way for him. I’d play into it, but when things started to go in a direction where he would want to get serious, I’d brush it off with only wanting to be friends, practically teasing him with the idea that there would be a chance for “us” but knowing differently. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings or lead people astray but I was young and naive and didn’t always think of others before my own well-being. That was the problem, I was selfish enough to give a guy a chance to get close but would then shut him down when I felt things getting too serious or more sexual. I’d be a totally different person online when talking to females, I knew then, that my attraction towards females was a thing, because I realized how much more I felt about them and how excited it would make me to talk to someone pretty or someone who I had a crush on. I didn’t realize at the age of 18, I would find myself in a relationship with my first female companion, and would then have to share this information with my mom. 

I think it’s quite possible we know all along that we enjoy the company of the same sex, but it comes down to how comfortable we are with letting others know, showing it, or playing on that thought. Even after dating my first girlfriend, I was still in denial about my sexuality and didn’t want anyone to find out. It was my little secret and I didn’t feel the need to make it known to the world — it was hard enough making it known to my mom. It took me many years before I decided to be more open about my sexuality and dating preferences — ripe age of 24 or so. I am now 26. Just then, when I started to be okay with myself and what I enjoyed, I learned that I wasn’t the only one, that I had minimal to fear and that I had to be myself if I wanted to find happiness with someone else. That’s the key to all of this, knowing your gay is scary, but once it sets in and you realize how much it matters to you to date, kiss, sexually share yourself with someone you are 100% attracted to, you find that the fear ceases slowly. 

How does one know he/she is gay?

  1. The way you think (thoughts, dreams, fantasies)
  2. Your experiences with the same sex & how they made you feel
  3. Your level of attraction towards the same sex & opposite sex
  4. The way you carry yourself around the same sex when you are attracted to him or her
  5. Denial, how much you deny the fact their is a chance of you being gay
  6. fear of others knowing 
  7. questioning your thoughts, actions, choices
  8. living a double life to cover up the life you want to live
In society today, the way you dress, style of your hair, the friends/people you surround yourself with, your walk, your talk, your actions all reflect your sexuality — but in my opinion, I believe it goes much deeper than the stereotypes (because not everyone fits the stereotypical lesbian appeal) & not everyone should be judged based on their appearance — because we have the right to be unique; it shouldn’t be assumed someone is gay based on their appearance alone but being on the outside looking in, we don’t have any other choice but to assume when we don’t take the time to get to know someone first. Only you will know if you are gay, others can’t identify that for you, because you have to explore your sexuality in your own way with your own reasons.

Does kissing the same sex on the lips mean you are gay?

A Kiss Doesn’t = Gay

We live during a time where people have multiple ways of showing affection, love, kindness & respect. It doesn’t shock me to see two females or two males kissing, nor would it shock me to see a heterosexual female kissing their best friend on the cheek or lips. We get so hung up on ways to prescribe someones sexuality based on their actions, how they dress, or their personality traits — that when someone shows affection to the same sex, we assume it makes them gay.. no questions or considerations. In a perfect world, I would love to think that anytime I see a female kissing another female, that’s the signal for being gay, but so many times I have seen my “straight” friends make out with their bestfriends who happen to be the same-sex but it didn’t change or alter their sexuality — at the end of the day, still straight and still wouldn’t date a female. Now, not saying that if a female who kisses the same sex couldn’t possibly be gay, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she is just from the action alone.  

When kissing the someone on the lips, it is a sign of endearment & love, but doesn’t mean the person got pleasure from it. A person can kiss someone without getting off on the thought of kissing the person, that’s when it is more or less their way of showing they care for the person but not enough to be romantically inclined with them. The kiss can be a fun gesture, a way to flirt, a form of respect or a way to show you care/love somebody. It has many meanings but it doesn’t always mean someone is gay. 

My take on kissing on the lips the same sex is the same with many things, which is, some things are more or less than what we see with our eyes & without the truth, we can only assume — and assuming means we don’t really know & if we don’t know, then chances are we could be making the wrong assumption. It’s best to not overthink someone’s actions. 

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Shay-lon Moss

Everyone needs their space

Space within a Relationship

There comes a point in a relationship where one party might feel the need to tell you, “I need some space”. For many couples, this is their moment of panic, and trying to rationalize why their partner would want space from them — it creates arguments, misunderstandings, low self esteem, assumptions, anxiety, over analyzing/ over-thinking, and possibly fear of losing this person. As a matter of fact, I know what it is like to go through these emotions after being told by someone they need space; it’s the next worse thing to say after “we should take a break”. We assume nothing good comes from these words. 

It’s because of those emotions, I felt that my partner at the time might have felt suffocated or felt as though I was co-dependent on her, when really it was me, me not being able to better manage the emotions, me not choosing to understand because nothing seemed to make sense at the time — I was too busy trying to understand what “space” meant, trying to figure things out in my head where I went wrong that she would want such things, trying to decide how to respond and pretending it didn’t bother me then falling short by blowing up her phone because I was scared of losing her. Not saying, that we shouldn’t be alarmed but it shouldn’t make us act so drastically because space in a relationship is good, is needed most times and is necessary if you want to better your relationship but back then I didn’t know any better, so I equated it with negativity instead of thinking things through. The way you react to your partner saying they need space is what will determine how they pursue this relationship going forward,  many times if you overreact — your partner will want to leave the relationship or take a break from the relationship due to you  trying to make something about you when it might be more about them and their needs wanting to be met, even after they have explained their why; you ignore it to only put the attention back on yourself in hopes they feel bad and change their mind. If the space is about you; normally they will let you know how you make them feel, or why they feel suffocated in the relationship and explain why having space is necessary for them. Most times, if you react calmly and ask questions and try to get a better understanding and roll with it, they will respect you for doing so, and if anything it will make things smoother and fighting/bickering doesn’t have to happen & they will feel respected in return if you don’t make them feel bad for wanting to have space to themselves. 

Space isn’t about breaking up with you, it is about the person enjoying their own company or the person dialing down on being with you every waking moment. Space is them wanting to be an individual — wanting to spend time with other people in their lives, wanting to feel less retrained in the relationship — many times if they are in a controlling relationship or dating someone who is co-dependent, it starts to wear on them mentally so they need the space, they need that time to themselves without feeling as though you are right on top of them – metaphorically speaking. Many couples need their space from each other, because they see and are with this person ALL  the time everyday, so space is needed every once in a while. Some people are open from the start about how they  need space within a relationship and explain themselves as to why they need it and what happens when they don’t get enough of it. Not everyone is a stage 3 clinger, some people value their own individuality — which is important. 

When your girlfriend/boyfriend tells you they need space, there is a rule of thumb to follow:

  1. Don’t overreact and assume the worst
  2. Ask them  how you can assist with giving them enough space
  3. Support them
  4. Let them know you love them and respect their choice for some extra space & that you are okay with them needing their own time 
  5. Take the time to understand their needs — listen!
  6. Don’t put the attention on yourself, this is about THEM and their needs, not about you right now
  7. Be patient 
  8. Ask questions but don’t pester them about it — they might not know how much time is needed, maybe a week or a few hours, sometimes a couple of days .. if it is reasonable then there shouldn’t be much worry, Obviously a month or a year away might be questionable and raise some alarms pending your relationship
  9. If this space is needed because your partner feels suffocated or controlled .. then this is your time to re-think your actions and work on self and come back to the table with a solution so that your partner doesn’t have these feelings anymore towards you.
  10. During their time away from you, don’t blow up their phone/electronics with messages, emails, etc. This is part of being respectful towards their needs. Obviously, check in on them if need be to make sure they are safe but no need to blow up their phone asking if they have had enough space yet. 
  11. Finally be on the same page — is this space needed to think about whether or not they want to continue the relationship, is this space needed so they can spend time with friends/family, is this space needed so they can do hobbies they enjoy, etc. Find out the why  — so that you are both understanding why this the current situation. 
Space does not automatically mean break up, unless they tell you the relationship is on the rocks and they want space to think about it, space could just be their way of doing things they enjoy on their own or taking time for themselves then they are fine and continue this relationship with you. Everyone has their limits and space is good within a relationship and valuable because we need time to ourselves every once in a while. Sometimes space is her going to get her nails done while you are with the kids or family, or her hanging out with her friends every Saturday night — that’s her “me” time. Respect it.
 
Shay-lon 

Being single doesn’t mean Your Lonely

One Does Not Mean The Other 

It had occurred to me that many people equate being single with being lonely.  I suppose the desire to be loved & to love another human is normal, but to say that because you aren’t in a relationship means you are lonely would mean that in order to feel less lonely, a person needs a relationship. I find during the holidays this is the attitude of people who find themselves not sharing their holidays in a relationship with someone — & the attitude of a person who doesn’t enjoy their own company. I can’t dismiss the fact that the feeling of loneliness can kill a man, even drive a man insane or drive someone to date someone who isn’t good for them in order to replace the feeling they feel when they aren’t dating someone. Loneliness is a real thing, in fact it is so real that the majority of people probably have felt this way at least once in their life (maybe it wasn’t extreme or perhaps you cause your own loneliness by pushing people away or choosing to never allow yourself to get close to another person). Regardless of the situation, loneliness is real but being single shouldn’t be the driving force of your loneliness, it shouldn’t hold as much weight as we allow it to & it shouldn’t hold you hostage mentally  — being single sucks sometimes, yes, but to say we should depend on a relationship would be wrong because we need to be able to enjoy our own company or the company of others in different forms of relationships (family, friendships, coworkers, etc). Personally I believe loneliness happens when someone doesn’t have the social aspect in their life that they yearn for, they have a hard time connecting with others, perhaps they have social anxiety and it hinders them from enjoying the world around them — or maybe this person suffers from trauma that hinders them from wanting to grow close to someone or trust someone. I also believe loneliness stems from depression, and other mental health conditions that keep the mind in a dark place (dangerous) because I believe people who decide to commit suicide at one point felt alone — felt as though there was no escape from themselves or no escape from the problems that surrounded them, I believe that in fact they might of had family and friends but maybe the kind of loneliness they suffered from was from feeling as though they were stuck in a dark & lonely abyss and didn’t see the light in time because the darkness clouded their judgement OR maybe they knew better and knew what they had but didn’t want to pour their problems on someone else & the fear of being judged, misunderstood, or not quite understanding themselves enough to talk to someone else.  When I said loneliness can kill a man, I meant it. 

When people complain of being single, it is because they miss the courting of each other, they miss the value they felt within a relationship (feeling wanted, needed, loved, having something to talk about, fight for, buy for, travel with, knowing that someone means something to you) that feeling stems from a love that is different than the love you give a family member or friend. The affection and sexual intimacy of being with someone whom you love and are attracted to triumphs some of the feelings you get when you tell your friend you love them because you don’t get that same form of interaction from a friend as you would someone you are dating.  Not to say your friendships are meaningless, they aren’t, but they differ from the type of closeness you have with someone you are dating. If being single is causing you to feel alone; maybe it is a sign of co-dependency or a sign that you need to learn to find ways to enjoy yourself; if you can’t enjoy your own company — why would someone else? Think about that for a second. 

If you have a hard time being single because you don’t like the feeling of being in your own presence; that can be a problem (because you shouldn’t put the expectation on another human to be in your life to make you happy). If you spend quality time with yourself and find that you get bored, maybe it’s from lack of hobbies or lack of self development in areas you have weaknesses in (communication, charisma, etc) things that if developed better could help with engaging with people — that could lead to more friendships, relationships and connections. I’m not saying I am miss perfect, because I am far from it, but I had to learn this myself in order to share it with all of you — I have been single since July 7th of 2017 and while being single was a hard road to walk when I enjoyed being in the comfort of someone else that I was interested in and cared about, I had to learn through my dating challenges and having spent many days/nights alone that it was me hindering me from connecting with other people; I was setting expectations that I wanted and needed a relationship with someone to feel less lonely; I was putting off hanging with friends and family because I figured being alone and pitying myself was much better than being in the company of others, I stopped doing hobbies that I enjoyed & I was on dating sites desperately looking for someone to take the place of the person I dated in order to fill a void. Even now, some days are harder than others when it comes to dating, when it comes to being in my own company but I have found things that interest me to keep my mind focused on positive things rather than the break up and the dreadful need of having to date someone to feel good about myself. 

It isn’t easy to be comfortable alone, especially if it seems like you have been single for a long time, but it is better to be comfortable with yourself than to be in a bad relationship being with someone else. I always tell myself and others — when it comes down to it, a relationship should always start with what do you like about yourself that you can offer to someone else? 

Being single doesn’t mean someone is lonely. Never assume that because someone is single they aren’t happy being with themselves. 

P.S sometimes loneliness can also be triggered from not feeling wanted by another individual or not having your needs met within a relationship. 

Thanks for reading, leave comments , share, like & follow!

Shay-lon

Holiday Cheer!

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays 

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays Friends

I hope all of you had a wonderful Holiday — no matter which holiday you celebrate, I hope you had fun, and smiled a ton. For many people this can be a hard time because many people don’t have loved ones or have lost someone during the holidays, so it isn’t as cheerful, but I hope no matter the case, you were able to relax and slow down — and I hope if healing is what you need, that you will find the healing you need and continue to be strong because you are worth it. I lost my grandpa in December — so for me, it does happen to be harder at times when I think of him during this holiday — and how much I miss him and love him. I also lost an aunt of mine many years back due to homicide (hit and run) during the holidays (I believe close to Christmas or on Christmas day) so again, I know the pain of losing someone on holidays such as these and not feeling the most cheerful, but still I stuck it out because I am blessed that I was able to spend time with my siblings & some of my family members (including my mom) & see another year in good health. 

It’s hard to smile or be happy with negativity attached to a holiday; but something that is worth noting and being happy about is knowing you made it another year. We aren’t guaranteed another year, day or moment, each time we see another Christmas, is like saying we survived the world, the chaos, the negativity and the bad — we survived life threatening disease, we survived accidents, we survived a natural disaster, etc, whatever it may be, we made it another year to see this day & not everyone can say that. Doesn’t mean we will make it through this next year, but it means we lived long enough to see Christmas 2018 & that’s a big deal. To keep this light and fluffy, I have some fun questions you can take part in answering if you like; otherwise, feel free to leave comments, follow, share, and like the page. 

  1. Do you buy yourself gifts for Christmas?
  2. What is a holiday tradition your family takes part in?
  3. What makes Christmas special to you / if not Christmas, what makes your holiday special to you?
  4. Do you believe Christmas is becoming more and more commercialized?
  5. Growing up, what were some toys, etc that you wanted for Christmas?
  6. Do you celebrate Christmas?
  7. Did it snow on Christmas where you are from? 
  8. Are you a fan of eggnog?
  9. Name a gift you received this year?
  10. Does your family cook for the holidays or do you prefer to dine in someplace?

Missing An Ex

Missing you Holds me back from loving someone else..

It would be a lie if I didn’t admit the fact I fall into this category of people: people who miss their ex to the point that they have a hard time dating anyone else — have a hard time moving on with someone else in hopes that maybe, just maybe, she will return willing to give love a shot again. I mean, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to date someone else, nor does it mean you can’t move on, it just means you are holding on to something because of fear — fear of loving someone else to the same length you once loved her. We shouldn’t be afraid because this is something we yearn, to be loved & to love someone wholeheartedly, but after you have given your love to someone that didn’t want it any longer, it is hard to imagine giving your love away once more. Another thing I have found out for myself is I have been searching for “her”, searching for someone to resemble her in every aspect — someone who has her looks (because I was head over heels attracted to her), someone who resembles her personality (how we clicked from the get go) and someone who immediately catches my eye — & my heart the way she did. 

The problem with missing an ex is .. it keeps you from being happy; from wanting to seek happiness, it can keep you awake at night, make you cry during certain songs, and push away the possibility of being with someone who truly cares about you. It keeps your mind open but heart locked away, it doesn’t allow for much room for fuck ups from other prospects, and it pauses commitment as soon as things start to get more serious with someone. It’s internally damaging to the soul, mind and heart. I didn’t realize how much missing my ex was damaging me until I realized how much of her I still kept around — her pictures of us together, all her text (beginning to end), the memories and the constant comparison I give when someone comes into my life & any time I think of her, I fall into tears that just won’t go away — it’s a constant cycle and one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Normally my post are to help others seek the guidance they need to get through some shit,or discuss opinions of others, but this time, this post was for me — of course I want it to be about you as an audience but this post was meant to be for me so that I can read where my flaws lie when it comes to having to force myself to move on. I’m not yet ready to let her go, not even a little bit, I figured after having my Instagram hacked (all of our pictures used to be on my old account) that would be the furthest to moving on I would go, until I have met someone who grasp my attention to the point where I wouldn’t even blink an eye at the thought of her, but that’s is a lot to ask of someone else and I can’t possibly hold everyone to this. 

In time I hope that I can eventually delete pictures willingly and find love without comparing people to her. I think the hardest part about moving on from someone who you never wanted to lose in the first place, is not knowing if there will ever be a chance of rekindling something, even if it becomes a friendship & not understanding why things had to end the way they did when you weren’t ready… That’s hard man, not being prepared for heart break before it happens because when it does happen  — man it can sting & it stings hard with no remorse. My tip for you as readers going through this is, don’t get into a relationship with another while still missing your ex, yearning for your ex or trying to wait for your ex, don’t waste another person’s times or break their heart in order to fill a void.. & don’t forget to be kind to yourself while you go through the different phases, and don’t allow it to stop you from loving yourself or others.. don’t allow one person to keep you from setting out and adding something wonderful to this world. 

Shay-lon

Why Gay Marriage Did’t excite me

The one right all of the LGBTQ were hoping for, excited for & fighting for was passed — it was official; we could now marry legally. While the whole world was celebrating this win for our community, I was hoping we would have many other bills passed in our favor that I felt were more important. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that people within our community can marry their significant others, and it proves how far we have come as a community and society for all of this to happen. It was a good sight to see us heading in the right direction, but it doesn’t mend all the battle wounds that are sure to come with this triumph. 

My title says it all: “Gay marriage doesn’t excite me”. The reason being is because we have so much more to work towards, so many battles to still fight that I feel/felt were more important than having the same rights as straight couples to marry; it was a small ping in the bucket, compared to the bigger issues we have going on currently. For example, equality in the workforce — having to worry about if your sexuality gets leaked, how it could end your career or hinder you from a promotion that is deserved because a company or a higher up person doesn’t stand by our rights as a LGBTQ person. Hell, this workforce issue is ongoing and while places of work shouldn’t and are not supposed to discriminate, it doesn’t matter in some states or businesses, because they can fire you without reason or find a reason to fire you without mentioning it had anything to do with your sexual preferences. If not fired, how about having to be bullied because of it, or worse — having your life threatened. Gay bashing is still ongoing — just because it isn’t on the news, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Most businesses or places of work won’t always be forward in their beliefs and so you don’t know until it’s too late & it can be a risk that reaps consequences later on. Gay marriage is fine, but what is gay marriage rights if we are still having to fight for rights to allow states to give us a license to prove our marriage, if we have to fight in court to get our marriage recognized, if we have to still walk with caution because of our sexuality. Gay marriage didn’t solve these issues, it didn’t make our lives easier, it didn’t eliminate further problems from arising, all it did was allow us the same rights as straight couples but with additional drama. While I am happy gay couples can marry & say their vows and complete paperwork to have their marriage license, I am sadden that this small movement forward still holds negative consequences for some couples. 

I feel as though this community is starting to turn away from what is important and focus on the superficial elements that keep us from being different from straight people/couples. It is more of a “what do straight people have that we don’t, what can straight couples do that we can’t, what can we do to have the same rights as straight people” instead of thinking of the bigger picture: “how do we make it so that we feel safe in our communities, in our cities, in our neighborhood, talking to people, etc. how can we protect ourselves from judgement, physical harassment, verbal attacks and teach our children to be accepting of others who differ from ourselves. There is so much that still needs to be done in order for gay marriage to be worth our while., so much that needs to be talked about and render consequences for in order for us to feel safe being who we are. I’m not angry or dissatisfied with our community for wanting gay marriage rights, I want us to have equal rights, but I also want us to be treated equally individually as well. The LGBTQ community has come a long way and it will continue to do so with activist and the more we band together and spread positive but we need to keep in mind that we are individuals as well — with our own battles at home, this makes it especially hard because not everyone in the LGBTQ community gets treated the same & that’s the difference between having a right and being treated equally, we might have the right to get married now, but it doesn’t mean we will be treated with the same respect as the straight couple because of it. 

Thanks for reading, hopefully you will share with your peers. Remember to like, comment and of course follow this blog for more LGBTQ friendly post!

Shay-lon

Is her dumping you for a man worse than her dumping you for another women

Don’t let your ego get the best of you

Bisexuals are getting a negative connotation because of choosing to date either men or women & lesbians who have dated bisexuals are screaming how when they have dated someone who was bisexual; ” the women always leaves them for a man” and how much worse it is than having them being dumped for another women. First of all, yes it has happened to me (with my very first girlfriend) she was bisexual and cheated on me multiple times with a man — but I have also been dumped from a fellow lesbian for another women and that hurt just as much, if not worse at the time. Personally break ups & having been cheated on hurts regardless of the situation, and so no matter who dumps who and for what reason, there will always be a pain there.   

Since I have had both happen, I think I have a right to talk about this topic and share my insight and bring in some perspective — not in hopes to change your way of thinking but in hopes you at least give it some thought (true thought) because it just might change your way of thinking . LOL (but if not, I won’t be upset)

First comes first, let’s throw out negative opinions on bisexual and pansexual women and focus on the topic — does it really hurt that much more when you are dumped for the opposite sex? When I was 18, I thought so, but she was my first girlfriend and I was inexperienced and new to the community and very apprehensive about talking about my sexuality and even confused about it (so that created a lackluster of things: decreased self esteem, emotionally vulnerable, and a deflated ego) among other things. All the symptoms that happened during that relationship, happened again dating my ex when we broke up and she found another women. Point: I was upset, frustrated and sad in both situations & it didn’t come down to who they dumped me for or cheated on me with, it was the fact of the matter, I was no longer with the person I loved — the relationship was over. Hard pill to swallow. 

I will assume if you were in either of these situations, it would be difficult for you too. I personally believe that having a women leave to be with the opposite sex is more of a hit to our own egos, and not so much about the fact she is “fraud”, or “not a real lesbian” or “leaving me for a man means she never really liked women” — I think we think these things to disguise our egos & find the faults with the person so we can feel better about the situation. It is quite possible that she might like both men and women, and found the male counterpart at the time to be a better fit for her, or perhaps she wanted to experience being with the male counterpart to figure herself out, or maybe she decided that she liked dating both at the same time, or liked the emotional aspect from women but enjoyed the sexual pleasure from men, who knows? The reasons vary. Everyone has their own path in life and you have to know yourself to know what you want (and that takes exploring different avenues for some people). However, I do agree that cheating shouldn’t be acceptable behavior & going through a break up sucks. If you eliminate the person they cheated on you with or dates after you, then the picture remains the same — you have been hurt, you are pained and you might be emotionally unavailable receive people. To say it’s because she is choosing to be a man, just means you feel a hit to your own ego, your own self esteem and self worth & that comes from feeling as though you can’t compete with the male counterpart; no comparison, “how can I compare to him, what does he have, that I don’t” or “what can he do that I can’t”.. it turns into a competition rather than looking at it from the perspective, maybe it isn’t about what he has or doesn’t have, it might come down to what he has to offer her that might be what she was looking for in you but you failed to give (i.e compassion, attention, time, space, etc) it isn’t always about the fact he has a penis and I have a vagina, so how can we compete with that. It’s not a competition. Don’t allow your ego to get the best of you. 

Now with all of this being said, if you are choosing to be in a relationship with a women who has stated she is bisexual or pansexual, then you will have to respect the fact that she is attracted to both sexes for her own reasons & if that bothers you, it is not our right to make her feel less of a person or feel as though she is a slut or whore because of it or that she is cheater due to her sexuality. In order to pass judgement you have to be able to talk to the person to gain an understanding of who they are and what they want/need in a relationship or partner — after they discuss your concerns or talk to you about these things, that’s when you can evaluate the situation and decide if it is something you want to continue with or walk away from. For the record, I came out as bisexual at 18 but realized I was lesbian in my twenties because I couldn’t bring myself to date a man/be in a relationship with a man and the thought of being sexual intimate with a male counterpart made me feel very uncomfortable. This just goes to show that with age, time, exploring yourself, and experience,  you find what you like and what makes you comfortable in your own skin. That’s what is most important, being happy in your own skin & finding someone who accepts you for it. 

Thanks for reading, feel free to share, like and follow

Your not so average lesbian,

Shay-lon